Be an MTQ
“Hey Sally, you’ll want to aim just right of the hole.”
It was the first hole of our final day at a four day women’s golf retreat in Edgerton, Wisconsin, and I was standing on the green with three other women, including my longtime friend Marilyn. The moment I heard her offer that simple piece of advice to Sally, it all came streaming back to me. She had done the same thing last year. Not just for me, but for others. And before we even finished that first hole, I was about to experience it myself.
My ball was a long way from the cup and, to make matters worse, I was putting downhill. If you golf, you know how tricky that can be. Hit it too hard and you can watch your ball roll right past the hole and keep on going. Hit it too softly and you're left with another long putt. Two of the women had already putted and their balls were sitting on either side of the path I needed to take, almost creating a little runway toward the hole.
That's when MTQ stepped in. She told me exactly where she thought I should aim.
I trusted her, lined up my putt, and gave the ball a tap. Not too fast. Not too slow. We watched as it made its way down the slope, traveling right between the other two balls. It kept trickling toward the cup until, much to my delight, it dropped right in.
YES!
It was a long putt, and I was thrilled. But what stayed with me wasn't only that I had made it. It was that Marilyn had helped me make it, even though we were technically competing against one another.
If you know me, you may have heard me refer to Marilyn as MTQ. Somewhere along the way, she earned that nickname, and there's a story behind it. Someone used to mistakenly call her Marlene instead of Marilyn, and at the time she was the Executive Director of the Zion Park District. So naturally, she became "Marlene the Queen." or to me, MTQ. She's retired now, but the nickname stuck. And quite frankly, so did the queen part.
I've known Marilyn for many years. We originally connected when we served together on a parent council at our children's grade school, and I remember meeting her and knowing pretty quickly that I wanted to be her friend. Marilyn is particular about her friendships. She doesn't take them lightly, and I've always admired that about her.
Over the years, our paths have crossed in so many different ways. I've been her president while she served as Executive Director of our local park district. We've traveled together. Played Mahjong together. We've been in a golf league and a putt league together. We belong to a philanthropic women's organization together. We've been colleagues, fellow moms, teammates, competitors, and, most importantly, friends. Through all those different roles and all those years, one thing about Marilyn has never wavered: her character. Her beliefs, her ethics, the way she treats people, and the respect she shows others have remained remarkably consistent.
Sometimes, though, it's the smallest moments that remind us who someone really is.
During our four day golf retreat, we're constantly changing partners and foursomes for the different rounds we play. For some reason, this year Marilyn and I were only paired together once, on that final day. We always have a good time together and laugh a lot, but watching her on that first hole reminded me of something I'd noticed the year before. If she knew something that could help another golfer, she shared it. If she knew how the green broke, she told you. If she could help you make a better shot, she did.
And she didn't do it in a "you better listen to me because I know what I'm doing" kind of way. There was no showing off and no need to prove she knew more. She simply wanted you to play your best game.
That's what struck me.
We were competitors. Marilyn wanted to play well. Of course she did. We all did. But she didn't need Sally to miss her putt for her to succeed. She didn't need me to send my ball sailing past the cup to improve her chances of winning. In fact, there she was telling me exactly where to aim so I had a better chance of sinking a difficult putt.
MTQ doesn't need you to lose in order for her to win.
WOW.
I think there's a lesson in that for all of us, especially as women. We talk a lot about women supporting women. We say there's room for everyone at the table and that we should lift one another up. Those are beautiful sentiments, but perhaps the real measure is what we do when another woman's success bumps up against something we want for ourselves.
Do we still share what we know? Do we make the introduction? Do we tell her about the opportunity? Do we give her the tip that might help her succeed? Can we genuinely celebrate when she sinks the putt, even when we're hoping to win too?
The older I get, the more I believe another woman's success doesn't take anything away from mine. Her beautiful life doesn't make mine less beautiful. Her accomplishment doesn't diminish mine. Helping her rise doesn't make me smaller. Maybe one of the greatest signs of confidence is being able to want good things for ourselves while genuinely wanting good things for someone else too.
I told Marilyn last year that I'd noticed this quality in her, and on our final day of golf this year, I told her again. I'm glad I did. We often think wonderful things about the people in our lives but forget to actually tell them. We assume they know. Maybe we should get better about saying those things out loud while the people we admire are standing right in front of us.
I don't know if Marilyn realizes how much those little moments reveal about her. She wasn't giving a speech about women supporting women. She was standing on a golf green telling Sally where to aim and then helping me line up a long downhill putt. But isn't that where our character often shows itself most clearly? Not in what we say we believe, but in the ordinary moments when we have a choice about how we're going to show up for someone else.
Whoever was lucky enough to be paired with Marilyn during those four days didn't simply get another golfer in their foursome. They got someone who wanted them to have their best game too. And wouldn't this world be a little better if more of us approached life that way?
We don't have to be standing on a golf course to follow her example. We can share what we know, encourage someone who's struggling, open a door, speak another woman's name in a room she isn't in, and celebrate her victories without comparing them to our own. We can point out the path when we see it more clearly and then stand back and cheer as she takes her shot.
I've known Marilyn through many seasons and under many titles: mom, friend, colleague, Executive Director, golfer, leader, and Queen. But perhaps the title matters less than the example behind it. That morning, MTQ showed me where to aim, I trusted her, and the ball rolled beautifully into the cup. Maybe there's a metaphor in there for all of us. When you see a way to help another woman take her best shot, don't keep it to yourself. Point out the path. Share what you know. Cheer when it drops. Want her to win too. The world could use more women like that, so whenever you get the chance, be an MTQ.
xo, Sheryl
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